Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Another one of those days...

Here is another day when I'm at work, thinking about what I'm paid to do, and I am so incredibly immersed in my job that home doesn't cross my mind but for a few seconds at a time.  The guilt is piling up today.

When it started raining, my thought was, "Oh, I should turn off the sprinklers for a few days."
When I went to lunch, "I wonder what Dad-Dad and O are eating for lunch.  Suppose they went with Papa?"
When my coworkers started talking about names for the baby (John Paul, Benedict, etc.) I just wanted them to stop...

I know it's good for my to be absorbed in my work when I am here.  My dad is always talking about how much easier work is when you tell yourself that you like it.  I do enjoy a challenge.  I just feel so guilty when home rarely crosses my mind.

I think abut how it would be if I did think about home all day, and I know I would be miserable wanting to go home.  I just have a hard time some times feeling so disconnected.  Shouldn't I, as a mother, be thinking about my kids all day?  Shouldn't I be home with them, doing homework packets and making PB&J sandwiches in cute shapes?  That's what a significant number of my friends do while their husbands go to work all day...

Am I being selfish by leaving the house in the morning and staying out all day?  Am I neglecting my kids?  Just the  thought of that makes me want to cry.

My answer always seems to be the same: I'm doing what's best for our family, not someone else's family.  My work provides us a mortgage payment, medical coverage, good vacation time, and the ability to increase pay at regular intervals.  As far as I can tell, it's an ideal job for someone in my position... I love that Dad-Dad can stay home with the boys and be involved in play dates and soccer.  I know a lot of Ry's friends won't see their dads all day, and that makes me feel good that he can be a role model for those kids as well.  I see my boys and know they are happy and healthy and doing well.  I guess what I keep asking myself is, "Could I do such a good job staying home with them?"  Then when I answer honestly, I have to ask myself, "What's wrong with me that I can't?  Why can't I be that parent and do just as good a job?"  My saving answer is that I could.  I have to tell myself that with practice and time I could be that parent...  But that answer is irrelevant.

I know I didn't set out to be the parent who works outside of the home the most.  I know I didn't set out to be the primary earner.  I'm just very thankful that I can be that parent.  Not just because my work allows me to grow and learn, but because my family benefits from what I do.  I think that's why I also love that Dad-Dad has so many opportunities to cover events and do his writing jobs.  I know he hated the desk work and "inflation," so this is is a way for him to get to do those things that make him happy.

So now, after such a long deliberation and a few tears, I'm back to thinking that I'm doing the right thing... I just know it will come back around again, hopefully not too soon.

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